Constant Craving

It's almost midday here. The time log for when the posts appear are listed in Pacific time and I'm in the UK. The weather here today is pretty dull and overcast. Boo, hiss.

I want to talk about craving today. This is a subject I feel qualified to talk about as someone who has struggled with addiction to cigarettes for a long time now. I gave up in Oct 08 and have been using NRT (nicotine replacement therapy) in the form of mint lozenges with nicotine in them and also nicotine patches. I think after nearly 8 months now it's safe to say I have become addicted to the lozenges. It's a sorry state of affairs. I pretty much have that constant craving that KD Lang sang about back in the 1990's.

The Buddha described enlightenment as the end of suffering. And suffering is often described as desire or craving. In that sense anyone who is dealing with an addiction could be said to be going through a spiritual crisis. It's certainly felt this way for me. I began to look into spiritual perspectives on this and other areas of life after being diagnosed with oral cancer in 2006. Hence why there has been very urgent reason for me to quit the fags. My doctors said that smoking had almost certainly caused the cancer, even though oral cancer had traditionally affected older people. At 29, I'd only been smoking for 12 years when I was diagnosed, which is pretty young. Mind you, I heard of a 17 year old boy who was diagnosed with oral cancer the same year as me. And they do reckon that, like most cancers, it's on the increase.

I struggled from day one with giving up the cigarettes. I wrote about it in column for an online magazine and for three years now it's pretty much occupied my mind for some part of most days. The spiritual teacher and writer Deepak Chopra has written a book describing addiction as a spiritual crisis. His overall point is that when a person craves a certain substance, it is the temporary and shallow sense of freedom and bliss that the substance seems to offer that is the real goal. All addictions however at some point get out of control and there is no lasting satisfaction. One more cigarette is just not enough.

The place of bliss and freedom that Chopra suggests we're aiming for is actually the enlightened state. And therefore all attempts to reach this state through addictive behaviour are doomed. Our brains are tricked into believing that another cigarette, a little more booze or another hit will bring us to the promised land. What is that promised land? The end of suffering. It's difficult to talk about it in positive terms, but peace or joy come close.

I've read a lot of the writer Eckhart Tolle too. For me, he's the most potent and powerful of the modern spiritual teachers. His books The Power of Now and A New Earth have had a profound effect on me and my life. Most of his work focuses on pointing out the way the ego functions within us. The ego, he describes, is that part of us that is rooted in the identity of 'me'. And when we look closely, there is a 'me' in every desire or craving. He encourages people to observe this egoic voice or energy and therefore find some relief from it through simply witnessing it. There have been times when this has worked wonders for me. Other times, the ego is too strong and wins over. Those are the times I rush to put on a nicotine patch or find myself wallowing in the pain of craving. I need, I need, I need... the demands are never ending.

One technique that I find quite useful when coping with a particularly strong craving or urge is to become very conscious of the energy of that urge. I stop what I am doing and sit for a moment and take my attention into my body. I watch the craving like watching an animal inside of me. And it really does feel like some creature moving inside... like a snake or like a shadow moving, looking for something to grip onto. What it invariably does grip onto is thought. The movement of craving enters the mind and the talk begins... I need a cigarette, I want a cigarette, so what if it hurts me, I'm unhappy, I, I, I... However, simply watching this movement and the thoughts can be hugely liberating. Quite quickly a sense of space enters. The sensation that one is not only this crazy craving. There is a slightly different quality then to the feeling. There is space around it. And this space, if one can let it all the way in, is the freedom and bliss that one believes the cigarette (or the drink or the drug) will bring.

I do believe I'm getting there though. I no longer crave actually smoking a cigarette anymore. Very occasionally I imagine myself smoking. Especially when I am bored or in the company of smokers. But most of the time I find myself reaching for a lozenge. So, I've just got that to crack now. Which I feel will be nowhere near as tough as the fags.

First Tentative Meanderings

Well, it's 19:40 here in Portsmouth and I've given myself the opportunity to waffle into a computer screen and also the challenge of arriving every few days at this blog to share thoughts on the day. My head is full of questions as I embark on post number one and chief among them is why would anyone be interested in reading what I've got to say? Well, maybe they won't be. This could be one of those many lonely experiments where one is convinced someone is reading when in reality the words get uploaded into the ether where they may sit and sneer at the writer (you fool, what made you think sharing something so deeply personal and embarrassing would improve your life? You loser, you jerk...) you get the picture.

Writing is something I already do every day. I have a journal, diary... moan book. I sit most mornings (and at other intervals throughout the day) to record my thoughts and to generally chit chat on the page. I've kept a journal since 1994 though entries have been sporadic in that time. Recently however, I've written every day. There is little structure in my life right now, so the journal provides something constant that I can cling to. Sounds desperate. Maybe it is.

So, this evening I thought it might be an idea to branch out. Diary - blog. Does it make sense? Possibly. I'm clearly not going to be documenting the most intimate details of my life... not yet anyway. I don't really see the point of posting about the latest drama of unrequited love, burnt toast, odd socks or mishaps with cheap wine from cheap convenience stores. Perhaps something organic will sprout from this rather weedy garden... you never know, by this time next year I could be the proud winner of the blog-in-bloom rosette, if such a thing existed.

And talking of writing and rambling and sprouting and blooming... I've once again introduced Julia Cameron's 'morning pages' to my daily routine. For those of you who don't know, Julia Cameron is the author of (among many others) a book called The Artists Way. It's a 12 week programme designed to help artists and would be artists recover their creativity. The book is full of exercises and activities to help artists 'un-block' and get working on creative projects. Used by writers, potters, dancers, actors, musicians and even business people looking to unlock the power of creative work the book has been extremely successful over the past 20 years or so. The most famous and (according to Cameron herself) important tools in the book is the morning pages. This is where one writes three pages of stream of consciousness writing upon waking in the morning. I did this exercise for a good few months a few years back and have begun again, this time with the notion of completing the 12 week programme along with all of the other exercises and activities.

This morning I wrote my three pages. I'll not reveal what they contained as Cameron quite clearly states that they should remain completely private in order to be effective. The idea, I think, is that by emptying ones head of all the chatter and noise soon after waking there is some space created for truly creative thought or impulse.

So, I've chosen The Daily Digress as my blog title, which I have to admit makes me feel quite comfortable. Despite warnings to find a niche in which to write, I decided to buck the trend and write about nothing in particular. Why this should appeal to anyone but me right now is not all that clear. But, I'm content for now to use the blog as an experiment in commitment. If I can turn up here every day or every few days and make some kind of mark in cyberspace, I might just believe I can turn up for other things and make a mark there too. I'm notoriously slow to get started these days despite what some might call moderate success in some areas.

So, someone out there might get to know me a little better but the greater likelihood is I'll get to know myself a little better. Which is always a good thing. I might learn the skill of brevity also, which as you may already have noticed I'm not that skilled at. Perhaps I like the sound of my own voice too much (or the appearance of my own words on the screen) but I am one of those people who will often use twenty words when one will do. I would say I've digressed but from what I am not entirely sure.

'A Picture of Alchemy', the play I wrote last year will get another airing at the Henley Fringe Festival this summer. I'm quite pleased about that. The company that produced it in London are doing it again and it should be fun to go and see it, this time having had nothing to do with the production. That's happening in July so if anyone reading this is interested in coming along you'll find the details at www.henleyfringefestival.co.uk or just google Henley fringe festival and look for A Picture of Alchemy...

Well, it's now 20:18 and I do believe I've been digressing from nothing in particular quite long enough for the first post.